Wait...is it that time already? Looks like it must be...
This week, it's that tank of the animal world, the immovable object...the hippo.
How do hippos eat? When you were a kid, when hippos weren't in the zoo or on TV, they were bolted onto a piece of red plastic that you called a "tabletop game." After getting your parents to reach the box down from the shelf in the cupboard where you kept all your childhood paraphernalia, you'd set the thing down on the floor and some friends, family, or whoever happened to be at your house at the time, would gather round for feeding time. Uncle Joe maybe. The one who used to feel you up when your Dad wasn't looking. Or rich Aunt Sally. She was a cokehead, but it's okay, she's with Jesus now.
Once relieved of their cardboard tomb, you raised your palm to the heavens and brought it down hard, smashing the lever sticking out of the back of them, forcing them to gobble up an array of white plastic balls. Yeah, gag on that, hippo-bitch. Chew those balls like a pro. Then the balls would pop out their ass with a reassuring "dink," into a little repository placed under their little, inert bodies. At the end of the game, yourself, Joe, Sally and that weird kid from next door (the one who liked to shout out the various terms for boy and girl parts at high volumes), would count them to see who had won. Yeah, "won." As if the ordeal wasn't torture enough for the creatures, it tied into it some sick human game too. But if you were a hippo, it was the only meal you'd get. Then it'd be back in the cold, dark cardboard sleeve, and following a short ascension, returned onto their heavenly cupboard shelf, until next Wednesday. Hard times to be a hippo.
Fast forward to adulthood and reality sets in. Screw that Hungry Hungry Hippos* nonsense, this guy just wades into the water with a casual swagger, and TAKES. THAT. CROC. DOWN. Like a boss. Nevermind the fact that hippos tend to look like a sausage filled with a punching bag, you do not mess with the hippo. Their mouths are theirs to command. And theirs alone. Hippos in the wild are what animal scientists refer to as "post-op," as in, those who had their levers removed. Such beautiful freedom. ;-;
*Hungry Hungry Hippos
Warfare Wednesday is an ongoing series, depicting the varying violent acts of the animal world. If it's action packed and stars God's creatures (this statement may or may not conflict with your personal beliefs, but as it is in the interest of humour, you can let it pass right?), it's going to be featured here. Really though, just watch your back. These guys are dangerous.